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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28443792">The Anchor I've Found</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovetincture/pseuds/lovetincture'>lovetincture</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The First Three Words [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Loveless</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Kissing, M/M, Sharing a Bed, Slice of Life, Trauma Recovery</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 21:39:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,405</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28443792</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovetincture/pseuds/lovetincture</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>There are things you think you deserve and things you're allowed to have. Soubi learns the difference.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Agatsuma Soubi/Aoyagi Ritsuka</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The First Three Words [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2078796</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Anchor I've Found</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He’d assumed it’d feel good to have Soubi back in his bed—that he’d finally be able to sleep now that everything was back to normal. Or, as close as it’s going to get to normal. It’s not like he shared a bed with Soubi all the time. Usually when one of them was sick or hurt, when there was one bed and Ritsuka was too tired to protest about it.</p><p>He wants it to feel good—to have Soubi in arm’s reach, his breath audible beside Ritsuka, so close Ritsuka could reach out and touch him if he wanted.</p><p>But Ritsuka can’t sleep. He turns and turns in Soubi’s bed, unable to get comfortable. His ears flatten against his head, and he feels—afraid.</p><p>“Ritsuka can’t sleep?” Soubi asks, his voice drifting up from the dark.</p><p>“No. Sorry if I’m bothering you.”</p><p>“You’re not,” Soubi says. There’s a small pause. “Would you like me to help?”</p><p>Ritsuka bristles. “Don’t do anything weird.”</p><p>“I won’t. Turn around,” Soubi says. “Face your back toward me.”</p><p>Ritsuka hesitates but does as he’s told. Nothing happens for long minutes, and it only heightens the nervous anticipation. This isn’t helping him sleep.</p><p>“Soubi—” he starts, giving up and about to ask Soubi what the big idea is, but he’s quieted by the feeling of long fingers stroking down the length of his spine.</p><p>Ritsuka shivers at the sensation, and the next stroke is firmer but still gentle, Soubi’s whole palm pressed flat against Ritsuka’s back and rubbing soothing circles over it. Ritsuka sighs, letting out a breath he hadn’t known he was holding.</p><p>“You’re so tense,” Soubi says. “All wound up like a watch—no wonder you can’t sleep. Relax.”</p><p>“Easy for you to say,” Ritsuka mutters, but even as he says it, he knows it’s not the truth. The truth is it hasn’t been easy, not for either of them. These have been hard days, living in the wreckage of Seimei’s departure from both their lives, but still, Ritsuka tries to do as he’s told.</p><p>It helps that Soubi keeps petting him. True to his word, he doesn’t try anything funny, just rubs Ritsuka’s back the way Seimei used to do when Ritsuka was awake and scared and couldn’t sleep. He always felt better with Seimei next to him, back when he’d really believed that if Seimei was there, nothing bad could ever happen to him.</p><p>This isn’t the same. Ritsuka doesn’t feel untouchable lying next to Soubi. He’s too aware of the world and the things in it. He knows too much about all the ways a person can be hurt, but it’s still something.</p><p>Soubi’s fingers stray just a little on the next stroke, brushing over the elastic of Ritsuka’s pajama pants, and he shivers again at the feeling, something hot unfurling in the pit of his stomach.</p><p>“Ritsuka?”</p><p>Ritsuka shakes his head, burying his face in his pillow. “Nothing,” he says, muffled through the cotton. “Keep going.” Then he adds, “Please,” in a quiet voice.</p><p>He’s never sure where he stands with Soubi, how to talk to him. He’s never sure what Soubi wants, and even when he thinks he knows, the answer scares him.</p><p>Soubi’s hand teases the waistband of his pants a little more, dipping the barest millimeter below the elastic and setting all of Ritsuka’s nerve endings alight. His awareness narrows to that one spot on his back, making him feel empty and strange. He pants into the pillow without meaning to. Then just as suddenly as it started, it’s over.</p><p>Soubi’s hand travels back to safer territory, rubbing soothing circles on his back, and Ritsuka is left with a shaky, buzzy feeling beneath his skin. It takes a while to bleed out of his body, and when he finally drops off to sleep, it follows him down.</p><p>He wakes to Soubi tossing in his sleep, twitching and making noises that seem to come from somewhere deep inside. He sounds like he’s in pain.</p><p>“Soubi,” Ritsuka whispers quietly. “Soubi,” he says louder.</p><p>Soubi doesn’t wake, and Ritsuka knows better than to startle him out of this kind of dream. He’s done it before, only to be faced with his fighter jolting awake, wide-eyed, magic systems on and ready to fight an assailant that isn’t there.</p><p>He offers the only comfort he can. He nuzzles back into Soubi’s side, pressing the curve of his spine into the spare softness of Soubi’s middle. Soubi quiets a little then. His arms curl around Ritsuka reflexively, a circle of warmth that makes Ritsuka feel safe even as he snugs back into Soubi’s body as much as he can.</p><p>Soubi still twitches. Still makes soft, unsettling gasps in his sleep. It’s okay. Ritsuka knows that he does the same.</p><p>Like everything else, this will be better in the morning. It always is.</p><p>* * *</p><p>“You don’t try to kiss me anymore,” Ritsuka says. It’s apropos of nothing, and Soubi looks startled, glancing up from his textbook and notes spread across the table.</p><p>“I thought you didn’t like it when I kissed you,” Soubi says, and Ritsuka makes an annoyed sound.</p><p>“That never stopped you before.”</p><p>“Do you want me to kiss you, Ritsuka?” Soubi asks, teasing.</p><p>Ritsuka growls again, walking over to the table and flipping Soubi’s textbook shut. It slams with a satisfying, heavy thud. “I want you to stop playing games and answer the question.” He can feel his tail bristling behind him.</p><p>Soubi sighs and pulls his glasses from his face, setting them on top of his book and rubbing at his eyes. He does that now, like a new habit he picked up. It’s as if the world around him pains him more than it did before.</p><p>“I don’t deserve to touch you.”</p><p>“Who the hell said anything about <em>deserve?</em> And what’s that supposed to mean anyway?”</p><p>Soubi looks pained. Looks toward the door. Looks like there’s anywhere he’d rather be right now than here. “What I did—slaying my Sacrifice. Murdering him.” Ritsuka flinches. “I should be put to death.”</p><p>“No,” Ritsuka says forcefully, ears plastered flat against his skull. “Don’t talk like that. I—I order you not to.”</p><p>Soubi smiles indulgently, like Ritsuka doesn’t understand, and it burns Ritsuka up. “I continue living for you, but I don’t—I can’t be allowed to touch you.”</p><p>“The hell you can’t,” Ritsuka says, marching over to Soubi and closing the distance between them. It’s thrilling in that moment.</p><p>He puts his hands on either side of Soubi’s face. When Soubi is sitting like this, they’re at eye level. It’s novel, and Soubi enjoys the feeling despite himself.</p><p>“It’s not about deserving or not deserving. It’s about what you <em>want.</em> You’re free now. You don’t have to listen to anyone. You should just do whatever you want to do.”</p><p>“Even kissing you?”</p><p>Ritsuka blushes. It never ceases to amaze him, this fragile, tenacious innocence. Ritsuka lets go of his face all at once. “Even that,” he mumbles.</p><p>And Soubi would like to kiss him. He really would. He can’t, though. There isn’t enough time in the world to do the kind of penance he requires. It’s a pain and an obligation that Ritsuka can’t understand. Soubi wouldn’t want him to.</p><p>“What if I don’t want to be free?” Soubi asks, looking into Ritsuka’s eyes.</p><p>“You should.”</p><p>“What if what I want is to belong to Ritsuka? To listen only to him?”</p><p>Ritsuka looks away, and his blush deepens. Soubi shouldn’t enjoy embarrassing the boy as much as he does.</p><p>“Stupid,” Ritsuka says, and then he pulls Soubi in and kisses him.</p><p>It catches him by surprise, a chaste press of soft lips against his. Ritsuka licks inexpertly at the seam of his mouth, his small tongue ticklish and hot. Soubi meets him there, a soft brush of his own tongue against Ritsuka’s, and Ritsuka pulls away with a tiny squeak.</p><p>“Adorable,” Soubi says, pressing a last kiss to the tip of Ritsuka’s nose while he’s still dumbfounded.</p><p>Ritsuka makes an outraged sound, and pushes at Soubi’s face, but he doesn’t pull away. He brings his own homework to the table and takes the seat across from Soubi. Soubi opens his textbook back to the chapter on the ziggurats, and Ritsuka works on multiplication, and every so often Soubi looks up from his study to see Ritsuka wearing a helpless, satisfied smile.</p><p>It feels like enough.</p>
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